for better or worse

You're my star

2009-03-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

I would never wake up every morning without expecting my sister to be just a few feet away. The typical sisters situation, we've always been compared everywhere we are. And I used to care a lot about that. But now, things changed. We are changed. I realized she loves me too much to even bother about how different we are. I'm always the reckless one. The rebellious one. The selfish one. The careless one. The loud one but the weak one. The emotional one. The lazy one, perhaps. But she's different. She's the quiet one but the strong one as well. The play-safe one and the wise one. And I trust her judgment more than anyone, even in the family.

One thing that im grateful for in my whole life, is about how much she has sacrificed living together with me. Like, waking up a lot earlier just to make sure I have my breakfast, doing my chores, making tea or coffee or whatever when we stay up late at night, cooking my two-meals, even fasting for my needs. I can list out more than you can imagine.

Today's her 23rd birthday. Probably the last birthday we can celebrate together before I fly off; and she's not even home. Ugh. What would I do without her? I'm too scared to think about it.
Cie, if you're reading this, from the bottom of my heart, you really deserve all the goodness in life and God's favor will always be upon you. Thank you for loving me endlessly. I love you too.

Cheers.
your sis.

"...but you can't allow your fears to turn you into an asshole".

2009-01-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

Here's what Carter wrote to Sarah in "In the Land of Women":

Dear Sarah,

I've been trying to write this letter for a while. The kind you said you'd never received. The kind I've been working on my whole life. I remember being 13 years old, sitting in my room all night, listening to the same song over and over. I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, maybe I could make someone love me. I've taken a lot for granted. I never tried too hard. I've always avoided responsibility. I came here because I was running away. I wanted to be alive. Instead, I met you. I met you, and you weren't taking anything for granted. I hope you got all the moments you deserve. I hope you go back to New York and sit in the Met in the room with the paintings of the Hudson River. And I hope when you do, you take Lucy with you because I know she would love it.
I'm sorry if I've made your life more complicated. I'm sorry for a lot of things but most of all, I'm sorry I never got the chance to tell you no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you.

----

The kind of friendship I'd love to have. The kind of letter I would want to get. The kind of ending I would want to have. And I will have it, someday in the future.

*Watch "In the Land of Women". It's not bad.

Well, cheers to 2009.

Happy New Year!

7 things

2008-12-01T01:09:00.001-08:00

Im finally here again :)

Just a quick update.
1. Asia conference in Singapore was fantastic. It was so powerful and impactful and im truly truly blessed. and so are the rest of the 26,000 people, i suppose. God is so generous and so is City Harvest Singapore. Thank You :)

2. Birthday in Singapore was awesome. Apart from birthday celebration by some cell members, Ps. Phil Pringle and Dr. A.R. Bernard gave me the best birthday preaching ever. LOL. but yea, it was allllllllll good. God knows the right time :)
and Oh, Don Moen was awesomeeeeee :)

3. Birthday in Malaysia was awesome too. Thanks to Tim and friends for celebrating with me. Had great food, great bday cake and great fun laughing all night. I love it and i love it :) Thanksss :)

4. Arise and Build 2008
Here comes the life-changing opportunity to sow for God's house. Last year, i pledged 4-figures. I was blessed with great jobs and great experiences. I was well-taken care of and i still am. God is my provider. This time, faith needs to be stretched again. I pledge 5 times bigger than last year. I have no friggin idea how to fulfill it. But i serve a big God and i dont want to miss a chance to sow for God's house. He'll make a way, i know. And, another great testimony is on its way :) God is good.

5. Counselling
yea, i've been going for counseling this past month. Ask me why. LOL

6. Prom
Josh Tan wants me to sing with him and the band (Wen, Julian and some others) for Taman Sea prom on Dec 12. The plans are to sing 3 songs. 'In the Sun' by Joseph Arthur, 'Kiss Me' by SNTR and im not sure about the 3rd one. Hm, what a priviledge. After few years away from the stage and singing in a band, now i have the chance again. Not gonna blow it :)

7. U.S.
I'm going on March for Spring intake :)

blessed one,
amanda.natalia

listening to: After Glow by INXS

Psalm 48

2008-10-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing's greater than knowing this.

You are the God of this city
You are the King of this people
You are the Lord of this nation, You are

You are the light in this darkness
You are the hope to the hopeless
You are the peace to the restless, You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city

Yeah. There is no one like my God.
Psalm 48:14 "For this is God, Our God forever and ever."

*Playing: God of This City by Chris Tomlin

deep inside of you

2008-10-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a blast from the past.

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen cos I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
Cos I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind

flashbacks

2008-10-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Ps. Mike Connell, a pastor from a church in New Zealand came to my church last month. He shared about 'passing through a valley of sorrow'. What i can still strongly remember is when he shared about his past relationship. His wife broke up with him in a restaurant when they were dating. When he was in the same restaurant years later, he suddenly felt uncomfortable with the athmosphere. Soon enough he realized that it was the violin player playing this paricular melody that brought him to the feeling back then when his wife broke up with him.

Same thing is happenning to me. I went to my CD rack this afternoon, was looking for some old mixed CDs from some friends and loved ones. LOL. I played the one i got from a special someone in the past. Gosh. Suddenly my heart was pounding. I felt 'that' again.

Do you get that feeling? I do. Very often. What Ps. Mike has to say about this is that i havent really moved on with my past, particularly that song and the memory in it. Man, i thought i moved on already. It was couple years ago. All these while and i havent moved on?!

What do i do?

what do you do?

*playing: Marching Band of Manhattan by Death Cab for Cutie

is there more?

2008-10-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

Jon Foreman said this," Eventually everything fails me, but when I look at the sunset or the sky, I'm reminded what it's like to be alive. My friends, there is a big difference between the way this world should be and the way it is."

I posted this quote. It was June last year. Feels like its just yesterday. I still hold the same feeling. Its been a year and somethings still missing. But where did it go? This feeling is irritating. and I irritate myself.

Im going back in few days. So very excited to meet Janice and to visit my grandma&grandpa(R.I.P). Feels like im going back to where i belong. I miss being home. I miss the good old days. I wanna travel back time. KL is too hectic. Too much stories. Too much drama. Too much freedom. Too much of everything. Im sick and tired. Speaking of, im gonna leave for US pretty soon. How much more drama can i take? How much more freedom is given? How much more temptations will there be? HOW MUCH MORE?!

Ugh. I wanna live a simple life. I complicate things. I complicate my life.

Anyway, i feel like spilling off everything about me. I know you could careless about it but just an update. I'm just gonna be frank. I had this silly crush not long ago. He's younger. Mature enough for his age, i thought. Guess i was wrong. Cos guys never grow up; they grow old. And i'm pretty sure about that. To be honest, it was a nice feeling. After a long while, i had THAT feeling again. Oh how i miss it. The hype, catching-breath and holding-back-moments. But it didnt last long. I was waaayy to excited about the feeling, not the reality. I like the fact that he is one of the nice guy that still exist today but it was just a wrong feeling at the wrong time. So yeah, to some of you that know about my feeling to that guy, its now over. Its just another crush.

Ssshhh. Sometimes i think to myself, why cant i love people in return? What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant i appreciate love?

I feel like im stepping backwards. Push me forward please.
Ugh. Three posts in a night. Emo-ing? Maybe.

This ugly feeling. Take it away.

Crush.

2008-10-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ish. I'm goin emo. Liking Crush by David Archuleta.
It brings me to those memories. Crush. When it ain't going away.

Good old days. I miss you.

Badly :(

its been a while

2008-10-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.
I have to warmly welcome coffee, eyepads, and sleepless nights again. I welcome Freud and Rogers too. Be friendly to me, please? Sigh. I can't really say goodbye to them, can I?

anyway,
God, thank You for everything. But i need answers; not just signs.

How do i know its you?
amanda.nat

*playing: Angels by Augustana

my 911

2008-10-23T01:44:00.000-07:00

So i was on my way to Centre Point for group meeting yesterday afternoon. As usual, i took the train to KL Sentral, then i took bus from there. I was q-ing at the bus stop. I was with my headphones on and reading a book.

But there was one white guy who caught my attention. He's in his late 20 or probably early 30. What caught my attention was that he was talking to one Indian lady in malay. So i thought, "Hmm, interesting." Then i went back to my book again. Not long after, that guy came to me and asked me where i was going. I told him i was going to One Utama, then he asked for my name. I didnt know what to say so i told him my name and we shook hands. -_-" shucks. I regretted it. He started to ask things about me like what im studying, who im staying with and if i have a boyfriend. I told him yes. LOL. I thought he'd just go away. I was wrong. He continued talking i-dont-know-what cos i wasnt paying attention at all.

Anyway, the bus came and he went in first. After he got his ticket, he waited for me and told me he wanted to sit and talk. I was like WTH?!! I was damn scared. But i ignored him and went to sit on a twin seat beside a lady. *phew, sighed in relief, until i realized i did tell him that i was going to one utama. OMG! What if he decides to follow me? (FYI, I was being followed many times before so i was not overreacting okay. LOL).

Well, first thing that came to my head, PRAY! Yes, thats all i can think of. Then, i think again, if he really follows me, who should i call? Really. If something happens, who can i call for help? I had a long thoughts that day. I totally dont know who to call for an SOS; for an emergency.

sigh. I dont know. How?

-amanda.nat

i so hate consequences

2008-10-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

And I'm good, good, good to go :I got to get away : Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights : The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life : Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all my alibis desert me : I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me : I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that :
Because I just want for all of this to end

And i so hate consequences: And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences : God, don't make me face up to this
And i so hate consequences : And running from you is what my defense is :
Cause i know that i let you down : and i don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back : And when you spelled it out, well, i guess i didn't get that : And every trace of momentum is gone : And this isn't turning out the way i want

And after all my alibis desert me : I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me : I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that :
Because I just want for all of this to end

And i spent all last night : Tearing down : Every stoplight : And stop sign in this town
Now i think there might : Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite : the fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted : I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger : And I know i cant go on like this much longer

When i got tired of running from you : I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave And in my heart i so believed
The love you felt for me was mine The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the door was closed : I heard no i told you so's
I said the words i knew you knew : Oh God, Oh God i needed you
God all this time i needed you, i needed you

*Written and performed by Relient K (Album: Mmhmm)

Thanks, Relient K. You said it all.

i so hate consequences.
amanda.nat

"Like the sunflower, we have season"

2008-10-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

So does CF. Thank You Jesus, for people who showed up in prayer meeting. Meeting after meeting, i feel like Your presence is getting stronger. Truly, it's really worth the wait, that now You have made everything perfect in its time. I see You in the heart of these people. Bless their heart, O God. As young as we are, our days are numbered. Teach us to always come back to Your plan, to what we are made for :)

Anyway, i screwed up my 303 (Counseling Theories) paper. Its been a while that i havent felt this terrible. Oh well, nothing i can do to change the fact. I learn my mistakes and i should move on and do better. Sorry God, i didnt give my best and i took it for granted. I will do better for the next ones.

One thing that sticks in my head these few days:

Kindness is one thing that you cant give away.

It always comes back. -Zig Ziglar

Goodbye, apathy.

amanda.natalia

it's just a moment of change

2008-10-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last update. I mean, the real update. Well, this is one important thing that i learn lately in this season of my life.

We don't need more to be thankful for.

We need to be more thankful.

It slapped me on the face the first time i read that. How on earth i can stand listening to myself whining? Oh well, i just need to be more thankful from now on. So here goes my 'thank you' list (recent events):

1. Daddy up there

Thanks for keeping my family and i saved in Your hands; for sending great people into my life; for sending me on this field, where i can sow my seeds and reap them when the time comes. I know my life is worth living just because i realize i have You in my life. I love You and I wanna enjoy walking with You all the days of my life :)

2. Jeremy Lim

For always being there; for always listening; for always praying. And for always asking me "Are you ok?" That works well. Haha. Thanks to you. I found a genuine friendship in you and i learn so much from you. You're awesome :)

3. Timothy Wong

For being a great friend; for not always saying the nice things. I may not accept it sometimes but i understand the fact that you do care. About the things you said the other day, come to think of it, you're quite true. I can do so much better than that. So yea, i'm over it by the time you read this. hehe. Anyway, thanks for just being who you are. Thanks for trusting me. May God bless this friendship til the end :)

4. Adeline Tan & family

For being so supportive and ever-ready to help me moving to Oregon. I think you guys are more excited than my family is. Haha. But really, uncle, auntie, Addie, I'm truly blessed :)

And for some reason, i have to say sorry to some people like:

1. My dad

For not being patient, loving and not forgiving at times; for not being thankful and understanding of your situation. I love you, daddy. and Jesus loves you even more :)

2. Zion Ng

Haha. It was a funny story to tell. Anyway, really sorry for the total confusion. For the 3 days of the most chaotic moment in your life that almost cost your life, presentation and your emotional being. haha. Well, there's more to life than just that issues. I'm sure you know that. Ask God for direction. He'll be happy to help you. The most important thing is in Matthew 6:33. You're still very young. Life is too short to not live for something bigger, zion :)

Oh, and thanks for keep reminding me to smile. Its a good habit.

Erm, that's all for now, i think. Tell you more at the next post.

adios.

amanda.natalia

hello again

2008-10-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

welcome back, amanda.

Learn your lesson. You know you can do it. You've done it. You've seen people went thru it. You have encouraged people to do it. You can do it, amanda. Yes, you can. its just a feeling. it will go away. just chase the butterfly away.

far away.

post CF camp 2008

2008-09-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

1. Thank God for a wonderful camp. You make everything perfect in its time.
2. Thanks to CF camp commitees and all the campers. You all have made this season more beautiful and full of love.
3. Thanks to my dear sister, for always praying for me and loving me unconditionally.
4. Thanks to Vic and Isaac, for always being there. You guys are my treasure.

Once again, thank God for camp. It was an amazing one. I came to camp with a bunch of expectation, but not a prepared heart. Halfway through, God stopped me from running around. He told me i've been rushing in life and i've missed so many good views. So now i wanna take a slow walk with Him. cos i wanna see a greater view (:

enjoying my view,
amanda.natalia

Be in peace

2008-09-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry.
I've been far away for far too long. I wish I realized how precious those times were. I've been walking so fast and I left those memories behind. I was too selfish. I'm sorry. I wish I could turn back time and bring you back here with me. I miss you, grandma.
You gave us wonderful moms and dads. You filled our childhood with happiness and adventures. You taught us how to appreciate people. You gave us laughters. So much of them. We thank you. You were a strong single-parent and a wonderful grandmother to all of us. This family is so blessed by your love and kindness. You are one of a kind, in our eyes and in His eyes.
Grandma, it is so hard that you're leaving us here. I wish God could take the grief away. But... one thing that i rest assured with, i know you have sretched your hands towards Him and He has shown you the place to rest in peace. And that place is in Him.
Once again, we thank you for your wonderful being. You're always be the one and only for us.
We love you, grandma. We always do.
Be in peace with Him.

with love,
amanda natalia.
on behalf of the Tans & Tjandras.

*Playing: A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton

did you call?

2008-08-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

here's just a quick post.
a very sincere apology to all of you who have been trying to contact me lately and didnt get any reply. i dropped my phone about few weeks ago and the screen got blacked out. so i can only receive call (that's if i am alert. cos if not, i cant see any misscall either). Ive been very busy working and having dance practises almost everyday til late night/morning so i am terribly sorry for the inconvenience. now you are free to contact me anytime cos im using dad's spare phone temporarily, til i get a new phone. btw, on the way to fix my V3i, dad lost it in the rain. think it got stolen. 2nd phone-lost in Malaysians' train. Malaysians, any comment?

young and restless,
amanda.natalia

set me free

2008-08-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

i hope everything is worth fighting for. i miss the peace. i miss good feelings. i miss you.

surprise me. amuse me.

summer 2008

2008-07-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

I miss my chickas alot. No one can ever replace them.
Here's a post from last summer, more than treasure.
truly madly deeply miss you.
I'm always here for you guys.
take care.

*notes for the lighter: You're gonna do great in your internship. all the very best :)

cheers to the lighter, the everlast, the piano, and the guitar.
have fun this summer!

xoxo,
*the cocktail glass

i'm not a quitter

2008-07-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

i'm not a quitter. i'm not a quitter. i am not a quitter.

art works for sale

2008-07-17T00:54:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine is selling his art works. i think he's very talented. great drawing. check out his blog here
or see my link list, delvin c.
please leave your comment here.
thanks.

7 Days of Lonely

2008-07-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

Ohh
I got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
And I screamed out loud.
I felt so alone, should have said the things I'm thinking now.

Ohh I never thought it'd be so hard to let you go.

(I just want you to know)
Tell me how I'm gonna make it, you're the one I can't forget.
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
When I try to face it when I wake up, I hate the way reality sets in.
God, I wish you could hold me through the seven days of lonely.
(The seven days of lonely yeah)

Oh it's deafening
The bitter truth.
I'm doing everything for the first time again without you.
I pretend I'm okay
But it aches inside.
There's got to be a way that's better than just getting by.

Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go.

(I just want you to know)
Tell me how I'm gonna make it, you're the one I can't forget.
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
When I try to face it when I wake up, I hate the way reality sets in.
God, I wish you could hold me through the seven days of lonely.

My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over.
And can you die of heartbreak, to die for love lost young?
I pray to find it again, oh again.

Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.

Tell me how I'm gonna make it you're the one I can't forget.
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends.
When I try to face it when I wake up, I hate the way reality sets in
God, I wish you could hold me
Through the seven days of lonely
The seven days of lonely
The seven days of lonely
Through the seven days of lonely
Ohh

(I-nine)

i wanna meet joey!

2008-07-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

I love 'Friends'. Who deoesnt? (anyone?) well, this is one of the reason why i love Friends. please watch season 8 episode 12, titled "The One Where Joey Dates Rachel". It is one of the best episode in friends. This is why i love Friends and Joey Tribbiani so much. here the story goes. oh wait! i should tell you first that im not good in story telling but i hope you get the story. would be better if you watch it :)

Ok. So, Rachel is pregnant with Ross's baby but they're not together. Rachel tells Joey that because of her pregnancy, her body produces excessive hormones that cause her to be "erractically charged'. Then Joey replied, "is that a term for 'horny'? *i was laughing like mad.
anyway, Rachel admits that she misses going out for a date, when she can dress up and go for dinner at a fancy restaurant and so on. but since she's pregnant, she thought its impossible that any guy would want to bring her out for a date. so, Joey, being a nice and gentleman friend, offers Rachel a date that night. Rachel is very happy. *awww...

Ok. so that night, while Rachel was wearing her earrings, the doorbell rang. She shouted "Joey, can you get the door?" (no answer). So she went to open the door and there is Joey standing with a small bouquet of Lilies, (*awww...) and an empty paper bag (supposedly there's brownies for Rachel inside. But typically Joey, he finished it on the way home -_-"). Well, Rachel was confused and asked him what he was doing. Joey said "I'm going out for a date. so this is a real date." (*awwww...). Rachel was surprised with Joey but she was very happy with it and the lilies. After that, they went to this fancy restaurant and talked about their strategies in dating. *you must watch this episode!

after dinner, they went home, and again, they were talking about what their strategies in kissing-after-date. Joey felt something. awkwardness. In the end of the episode, Rachel were watching 'Cujo' alone while Joey was out for another date. but guess what? He went home early and found Rachel was watching alone so he grabbed a chair and sit next to her. Well, Rachel needed him at her side, so she asked him to sit at her side and hug her cos she's scared. Joey felt something. Rachel asked him "aren't you scared?" then he replied "erm, i'm terrified". And Rachel was in his arms. Joey felt terrified. not of 'cujo' but his feelings.

well, go and watch the show ok? season 8 episode 12 :)

p.s. remember the questionnaire in the previous post? for question no.10. other than jason wade, i would LOVE to meet Joey Tribbiani in real life :)

til then,
amanda.nat

i got tagged!

2008-06-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

tagged by ms victoria :) its been a while. a long absence. so here it is:

1. What is the most important thing in your life?
my family. and bffs. and food.

2. What is the last thing you bought with your own money?
i cant rmb. probably some tees or necklaces.

3.Where do you wish to get married?
in a church located in a beautiful garden

4. How old do you think you'll be permanently owned by your lover?
as vic says, im already owned, form the very first time ;)

5. Are you in love?
im in love

6. Where was the last restaurant you had dinner?
carl's junior

7. Name the latest book you bought?
3:16 by max lucado and my textbook

8. What is your full name?
amanda natalia tjandra

9. Do you prefer mother or father?
do i have to choose!?

10. Name a person that you really wish to meet in your real life for the first time.
erm... jason wade :)

11. Christina or Britney?
none of them

12. Do you do your own laundry?
sometimes. but most of the time my sis does. i do the ironing

13. The most exciting place you want to go?
to my future house, with my happy family inside :)

14. Hugs or Kisses?
Hugs for everyone, kiss for certain ppl :)

15. Point out 5 things about the person who tagged you.
-she's my drama queen
-she's the one to turn to
-she's the caring and encouraging and reliable one
-she's the weak yet the strong one
-she's the very best friend

16. 8 things I'm passionate about.
-God
-family
-my ministry
-moving to US
-love
-friendship
-music
-life

17.8 things I say too often-
-whatever!
-i kill you!
-darn it!
-what the heck?
-you mad!
-oh really?
-weirdo
-ya ampun! masa sih?

18.8 books I've read recently.
-Bible
-cure for common life-max lucado
-a love worth giving-max lucado
-the dynamics of mass communication
-answers to life questions-billy graham
thats all recently.

19. 8 songs I could listen to over and over again.
-whatever it takes-lifehouse
-broken-lifehouse
-blurry-puddle of mudd
-yellow-coldplay
-champagne supernova-oasis
-traffic in the sky-jack johnson
-shout unto God-united hillsong
-the love song (written by a friend)

20. 8 things I learnt last year.
-He never fails
-about the breakthrough and how to break through
-faith makes all things possible
-how to love *1 Corinthians 13
-people disappoint you but He wont.
-you cant please everyone
-prayer moves God's hands
-forgive and forget

21. 8 people you tag-
timothy wong. adeline tan. janice muliadi. estelita ligatsa. and whoever read this.

*interesting fact: -most of my friends think i have a lovely name. they dont know that my sister has a nicer name: gracia angelika. nicer, isnt it?

*updates: i found some new friends. great ones. its been a year. i miss my chickas. so very much.
I'll be back soon. i want my nasi padang and janice muliadi. i want my estelita and memei too. i miss all of you.

loving life,
amanda.natalia

give it up

2008-06-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

one. Things in life that we cant control. The only thing that we can control is ourselves. If we cant change things, we can change our perception towards it. Right?

two. A friend once told me, give it up, let it go. If it comes back, then its love. I couldnt disagree with that. Could you?

the vision

2008-04-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

This is how a vision looks like to me.

Job 14
7. "For there is a hope for a tree,
If it is cut down, that it will sprout again
And that its tender shoots will not cease.

8. Though its root may grow old in the earth,
And its stump may die in the ground,

9. Yet at the scent of water it will bud
And bring forth branches like a plant.

13. Oh, that You would hide me in the grave,
That You would conceal me until Your wrath is past,
That You would appoint me a set of time,
and remember me!

14. If a man dies, shall he lives again?
All the days of my hard service i will wait,
til my change comes.

15. You shall call, and i will answer You;
You shall desire the work of Your hands.

16. For now You number my steps,
But You do not watch over my sins.

17. My transgression is sealed up in a bag,
And You cover my iniquity."

Job 17

9. "Yet the righteous will hold to his way,
And he who has clean hands will be stronger ans stronger.

10. But please come back again, all of you.
Foe i shall find one wise man among you.

12. 'the light is near', they say, in the face of darkness."

Bring me to my senses

2008-04-07T01:31:00.000-07:00

Some things in life we cant miss or skip. Like the movie 'Click', it teaches us that skipping a part of life is not a wise thing to do. We have to bear with pain, argument, problems, routines... basically life. If we miss a step, be sure to know that we're gonna miss the lesson as well. Some people think that it will be easier to skip hard work. Less pain. True. But you know what? Hard work benefits you in the long run. I cant remember who i quote this from, "The easy road becomes hard, the hard road becomes easy." Make sense? You do the thinking.

Ive missed many chapters in my life because of my selfishness. Ive missed many opportunities in the renewal of my family, friendships and relationships. I had my 'down hill' time. But ive had it enough. I was waiting for the perfect timing to move on; where i am brave enough to admit my wrong-doings, brave enough to forget my past, brave enough to forgive those people and brave enough to move on. The lesson that i learn from life? Theres no perfect timing. If i have to move on, im gonna have to do it now. or never. Im gonna have to learn the hard way. am i ready? i always have the doubt but now im daring enough to say 'yes'. yes im ready to follow where this life is bringing me. i have my Father. i have nothing to worry about. right? everything is done for me.

I need to learn the hard way. we need to learn the hard way. i once read, "God gives food to the birds, but He doesnt throw it to the nest." agree?

i do.

amanda.natalia.

reunion

2008-03-31T01:16:00.000-07:00

The Ligatsas (madelaine-steven-estelita)

-the reunion-

It was a great night. thanks to The Ligatsas.
I miss the talk. I miss the stories. I miss the dinner. I miss the laugh. I miss everything from them. I wish they could stay longer. I wish i could go back to my hometown. Somethings missing that day. We weren't complete. Some of us wasnt there. I wish i could meet my chickas. I wish we could see them more often. I wish i could take a short break and leave KL for a while.

i wish,
amanda.nat

curious

2008-03-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like I must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that I think too hard
And I don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so damn curious to know
And there are too many unanswered questions
Then we hold on to

I've put my theories to the test
You know I've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things I'm looking for
Will I learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

Portraits of your loved ones
Are more than what you see
All the elements they capture
Are more to you than me
A different dimension we've yet to define
There's a forest to cut through with thorns and vines
There is no reason to try

current song: Curious by Holly Brook

hold you tight

2008-03-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

You were right and i don't wanna be here. If your gonna be there, was that supposed to happen.
I'll hold tight, i'll remember to smile. Though it has been a while and without you does it matter.
There's no room, no place to start. When our souls are apart, i wanna travel through time.
See your surprise, hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight.
I just wanna be a million miles away from here. I'm counting down the days.
How've you been, it's just the usual here and days are feeling like years, and every day's without you. Now I cry,just a little too much. When I think of your touch and everything about you, i feel cold, i'm in the dark.
When our souls are apart, i wanna travel through time. See your surprise, hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here.
I wanna travel through time. See your surprise, hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here, i'm counting down the days, i'm counting down the days, i'm counting down the days.
I'm gonna be your surprise, i'm gonna hold you so tight. Yeah, i wanna travel through time. See your surprise, i'd hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here. I wanna travel through time. See your surprise, i'd hold you so tight.
I'm counting down the days tonight, i just wanna be a million miles away from here. A million miles away from here.

current song: counting down the days-natalie imbruglia

fortunate fool

2008-03-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

She's got it all figured out. She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her, Or sings songs without her
She's just so mmmhm
She knows the world is just her stage and so she'll never misbehave
She gives thanks for what they gave her
Man, they practically made her into a mmmhm
She's the one that stumbles when she talks about the seven foreign films that she's checked out Such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmmhm
She's got it all figured out. She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her or sings songs about her
She's just so mmmhm
She's the one that stumbles when she talks about it
So maybe we shouldn't talk about such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmmhm

jackjohnson-

thanks jack. youve said it all.

the ny

2008-01-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

a year ahead.
things changed. people changed. but He never changes. now til forever.
thanks for being so faithful, Daddy. i miss our times. i miss You, the most.
please bug me. please.

christian songs rawks!

2007-11-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

yes, Christian songs rawks!

for these past few months, ive been listening to some Christian bands, and im now in love with them. i used to think that christian songs are just those praise and worship songs, which sometimes i found quite boring. but well, a bit of contemporary Christian bands like Lifehouse and Switchfoot have changed my point of view. telecast, Mercy me, Relient K, The Wedding, Delirious?, Casting Crowns, Kutless, Parachute,... whoaa, the list goes longer than you know. haha.

those bands are really great bands. i would love to see them perform live. well, i did for Parachute band. thanks to my beloved City Harvest Church for bringing them here last week and i had a blast! im pretty sure they are too. poor thing i couldnt stay for three services cos i had to work. but well, i believe theres gonna be a lot more to come. :)

a short review for the Parachute band 2007, theyre all commited to their local churches and to honouring God in their lives and music, these boys are the new face of Parachute.

theyre from New Zealand and theyre really good. trust me. the presence of God just flow as you sing along with them. FYI, i spoke to the keyboardist, Allister, saying that they had a great performance and he was really nice asking my name and we shook hand. :)

one of the acoustic band that i love the most is Telecast.

lovely acoustics songs they have. i think Josh white is a great singer and song writer. their first album that i bought is 'Eternity is Now', and the very first song that captured my attention is the last song, which is 'Building a Sorrowful Loveliness'. sooo nice. it talks about how you find God in the midst of darkness or brokenness in your life. what a lovely lyrics they have. ;)

moving on to switchfoot.

i would say one word. FABULOUS! i love the front man, Jon Foreman. hes so talented and all the songs he wrote are amazing. i love ' dare you to move', 'let that be enough', and twenty-four'. switchfoot rocks! :)

well, i have a lot more reviews coming. nothing really important actually. i just simply love music and try to introduce them to people who havent heard about great Christian music. so Christian Music is not boring ok? so change your mindset!

yours truly,
.amanda natalia.

a little piece of me

2007-11-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

the other day, my friends and i were hanging out together and talking about music, favorite bands, and so on. then someone was asking about whose concert we would love to go before we die. Adeline, who has been to so many rock concerts (Muse, The Strokes, etc.. *shes sooo lucky!), yelled for Coldplay, while yee mun wanted John Mayer and myself, i voiced out for Lifehouse. but wait! i would die for Coldplay and John Mayer too. argh! too much good music :)

speaking of my friend adeline, i guess shes a real music junkie. my first friend here that i can really talk about music cos she knows alot of bands, especially indie bands. makes me miss my old times talking about music and only music with couple of old friends. well, i cant label myself as a music junkie actually. i do love music, mostly any, and back in old days, i was the only girl that can talk about music to my guy friends. i was the only person they came to when they need to make mixed cds or maybe songs selection, or even in the car, i always take charge of the music. hehe.it was fun! i love music. i used to know the latest music updates and gossip about my favorite bands and singers. just to name a few, Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls, Oasis, Our Lady Peace, Snow Patrol, Jason Mraz, Holly Brook, John Mayer, Michael Buble... *phew alot more.
well, as you can see the bands that ive listed out, those are mostly acoustics, alternative, and jazz. im not a hiphop or r&b kinda person, but a little bit of love Rihanna and Ne-Yo is good. i think theyre awesome.

so, back to the topic.
last week, i was sitting beside Adeline in human comm class after my speech (one of the best presenters of the day, people! wohoo! :D), then i asked for song recommendation from her. she asked me to list out my 5 favorite bands, she took out her iPod to let me listen to couple of songs. theyre really great, i think. she recommended me these 10: A Fine Frenzy, Priscilla Ahn, Athlete, Rilo Kiley, Vega 4, the Go! Team, The Magic Numbers, Let's Go Sailing, Maximo Park, The Perishers, and Gomez. oh i love The Perishers! well, i havent heard of most of those names but when i listened to the songs, yeah, Janice would definitely say that those songs are so me. haha. oh how i miss my chickas.

oh yeah. for those of you who havent heard of Holly Brook (if you dont know who she is, shes the girl who sang the 'where'd You Go?' with Fort Minor), shes not that commercialized and thats why i love her. besides that, shes very simple but she has a very nice voice. shes so lovely. try to listen to her songs. youre gonna love it. two of my favorites are "Curious" and "Like Blood Like Honey".the kind of songs to listen to when youre not in any mood state. haha pardon this emo missy :)

oh how i miss spending hours by hours on talking and listening to music with couple of old friends. one thing that i regret the most is that im not able to play instruments, yet. oh why did i have to drop my keybaord and guitar class last time? (i got free guitar practise from church last time you know? and i blew it off!). oh blamed it on the tuition. argh!

ehm speaking of the past, i was once thinking of being a song writer. hahaha yeah i know it sounds crazzzyyyy! well FYI, i used to write poems when i was in junior high; and most of them can be used as song lyrics i guess. believe it or not, my friends and i had the thought of writing a teenage inspirational book. ehm, it all started when we all were in charge of class wall posts and we're so proud of it cos actually quite many students come to our class to see them during break time. you couldnt be happier than that.

yes, those are great memories from the past and sadly, we never finish the book. yes, we had done some stuff. quite emo stuff actually. it was about love, hope, friends, and family. you know how hormones can effect teenagers at that point of time. haha. well, my point is that i used to love to write a lot. i was a creative writer and an editor last time for wall posts and i did some stuff for junior high yearbooks and couple of other stuff. not only that, i was also did quite a good job in organizing some basketball competitions and events in high school. it took a whole lot of effort and risks but here i am right now, thanking God for so many things i have achieved in my young age. im so proud of myself of being a representative of the children of God.

now, seeing myself not-so-busy as i used to be, im actually quite discouraged. but well, i believe that God is giving me time to manage things, to put everything together again so i wont be missing any piece of my puzzle of life. faith, love, the hope, family and friendship are the best treasures in the whole world. ive never been greater. ive never been happier. never been more grateful, cos i believe i will have alot more than i could've asked for. and the best is yet to come.

Praise the Lord!
Psalm 71:6 for me :)

let that be enough

2007-11-27T03:20:00.000-08:00

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helplessAnd I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunsetWith nowhere to land
And all I see It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know
I was born this Thursday 22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

let that be enough-switchfoot

19.

2007-11-27T01:04:00.000-08:00

im now nineTEENnnnnn. *sigh. i used to love being older when i was a little. but now!?! friends keep saying that this is the last year of my -teen :( but no worries. next year im still gonna be twenTEEN :) hehe
oh man! im definitely older.

btw, so many thanks to my lovely friends who blindfolded me for more than half an hour in the car (dizzyyyy!), which in the end, ended up in pris house. kinda predictable you know? haha but we had fun doing props. more fun when the event itself came. the soup factory was great. even my friend felix said its really good. so *cheers to all of your good job. im proud of HUC CF! :)

also thanks a lot for those SMS. it did lighten up my day :)
plus, thanks to Tim for the teddy. omg i cant believe the outfit is hand-made. thanks tim! very thoughtful :)
but i miss my chickas. a lot.

i *heart you guys :)

well, the most important thanks goes for God. ive had the best life, the best parents, sister, and the best friends that i could ever have. its been a great year. i learned a lot. now im still learning to put myself together again. so im gonna need a hand for that. thanks for everything :)
Is 58:11 and 2Tim 3:15 for me

until next year :)

infatuation

2007-11-10T09:03:00.000-08:00

okay.
so its 8 years gap.
what do you say?

song in my head: infatuation by Maroon 5

*sigh
this is not right, is it?

max lucado and life.

2007-11-06T00:34:00.000-08:00

For these past few weeks, ive been reading two of max lucado's books. both are fantastic! Max Lucado really knows how to put words together and make it really really nice. the way he uses analogies to describe something, perfecto!

the first book i read is "a love worth giving". its basically talking about a different view of love based on the scriptures (1 Corinthians 13). it talks about how apostle Paul see and experience love himself and how he loves others. his question is "are you low on love?" how far would you go for love? cos loving others is never easy. could we be missing a step? go and find the answer from the book. no regret!

the second book, the cure for the common life. it talks about how God made you so wonderfully unique. the very first chapter says," you are you-nique." use your uniqueness to make a big deal out of God in everyday of your life. max also tells about how you to find the sweet spot in your life, that God never called you to be anyone other than you. if you are arent you, we dont get you. the world misses out. that is how special you are in God's eyes. "He makes me who i am and remind me of who im living for. the cure of the common life begins and ends with God. He cures the common life by giving no common life, by offering no common gifts. do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can" (Lucado, 2005). dont discount the smallness of your deeds! trust your little deeds.

its great that i finally found back my passion in reading again. i remember the last time i tried to read the same book, i thought it was just another boring book. but it turns out to be a blessing for me. also to a friend of mine. thanks to God. by the way, my sister just bought another book. 3:16. hope its gonna be another great books.

im looking forward to buy another books from max lucado. i went to salvation bookstore in summit the other day and i saw a lot of max lucado's. not easy to find. i found travelling light, i read the review and i think its really good. its about letting go of your burden and come to Christ to find your rest - from matt 11:28. anyway, the other books like facing your giants and come thirsty are also another bravo books i think. they're all not the latest but i think its good if i can collect all of them. :)

by the way, for these upcoming four months, my church has started the building fund. ARISE & BUILD (future unlimited). RM 1,6 million. im nervous. we're all nervous. but i know that we all will be able to fulfill it for the House of God. i pledge for a certain amount that i have to make myself work hard. i hope its worth it. well, i know it will be worth it. thanks to my friend, she helped me to find a part-time job. yesterday was my first day of working. the job involves approaching people, or in details, moms. haha. dont ask me what my job is. the thing is, the pay is good. even though i have to work 16 hours on weekends, have to be really patient with silly customers, plus, on the first day of my work, i couldnt believe that i took the job because it is not something that i usually do. i felt like i dont belong there and i was quite embarrassed if my friends show up and see me. even my mom laughed when she heard the news. but then again, im doing this not for myself, not for anyone, but for God. as in 2 Sam 24:24, David says "i wont give offerings to God that cost me nothing." so, whatever things cost me by taking the job, i'll take it. cos im doing it for God and i'm gonna try my best.

til later.

current mood: grateful
current song: history maker

one.

2007-10-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

not be bitter over life's disappointment. learn to let go of the past. don't be afraid to stumble. because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. who knows where the life will take you? the road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.

homesick

2007-10-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

You're in a better place, ive heard a thousand times. and at least at thousand times, i've rejoiced for you. but the reason why i'm broken, the reason why i cry is how long must i wait to be with you. i close my eyes and i see your face. if homes where my heart is then i'm out of place. Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow. i'll never be more homesick than now.

Help me Lord, cos i dont understand Your ways. the reason why i wonder if i'll ever know. but even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same. cos i'm still here, so far away from home. i'll close my eyes and i see your face. if homes where my heart is, then i'm out of place. Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow. i'll never be more homesick than now.

In Christ, there are no goodbyes. in Christ, there is no end. so i'll hold on to Jesus with all that i have, to see you again. to see you again. and i'll close my eyes and i'll see your face. if homes where my heart is then i'm out of place. Lord, wont You give me strength to make it through somehow. wont You give me strength to make it through somehow?
i'll never be more homesick than now.

i'll miss you, grandpa.

current song: homesick by mercy me

live for tomorrow

2007-10-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

a better me for a better tomorrow.

for that reason, i want to apologize.
its not easy for me to say this, dont even know how to put this. i know i'll chicken out to say it face-to-face to the person. but i hope this makes me feel a bit better. maybe when the time comes, i will say it face-to-face.

CHAPTER 1 (family)
for the first person, my dad.
i apologize for what i've done. i've put you into too much problems. i was so mad at you when you blamed me for what has happened. i didnt get it. so i blamed you. im sorry for being so selfish and childish. but now i know. i should've left the past cos its the past. i want to give you the benefit of the doubt once again. its very hard, always hard. but i want you to know that its worth it. i know it is. i love you, dad. i forgive you.

*song: Emotionless by Good Charlotte

for my sister, the best ever.
im sorry for everything ive done. its great having you in my life. the way you live your life has changed me a lot. ive finally seen what is more to life than ive ever before. you are my inspiration. i thank God for everything that i am so grateful i have a sister in my life, the one and only true sister, the best. thanks for your prayers, your love, thanks for taking care of me all these times. thanks for everything.

*song: someone watching over me by hilary duff

for my mom, i miss you so much.
i miss you mom. every second of my life i'll be missing you. sorry for what ive done. i was a stubborn kid to you. im sorry, but the truth is, i dont regret it cos that is what makes me today. my selfishness and rebellion have put you into too much worry. i love you, mom. i love you too much.

*song: thank you, mom - Good Charlotte

counting down the days

2007-09-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

You were right and i don't wanna be here. If your gonna be there, was that supposed to happen. I'll hold tight, i'll remember to smile. Though it has been a while and without you does it matter. There's no room, no place to start. When our souls are apart, i wanna travel through time. See your surprise, hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here. I'm counting down the days. How've you been, it's just the usual here and days are feeling like years, and every day's without you. Now I cry,just a little too much. When I think of your touch and everything about you, i feel cold, i'm in the dark. When our souls are apart, i wanna travel through time. See your surprise, hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here. I wanna travel through time. See your surprise, hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here, i'm counting down the days, i'm counting down the days, i'm counting down the days. I'm gonna be your surprise, i'm gonna hold you so tight. Yeah, i wanna travel through time. See your surprise, i'd hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight. I just wanna be a million miles away from here. I wanna travel through time. See your surprise, i'd hold you so tight. I'm counting down the days tonight, i just wanna be a million miles away from here. A million miles away from here.

current song: counting down the days-natalie imbruglia
so very blessed :)

*He's been as faithful as ever! :)

you wish i'm torn?

2007-09-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified. He showed me what it was to cry. Well you couldnt be that man I adored. You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for. But I dont know him anymore. Theres nothing where he used to lie. My conversation has run dry. Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel. Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Youre a little late, Im already torn.

So I guess the fortune tellers right. Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light. To crawl beneath my veins and now. I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much. Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel. Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn. Theres nothing where he used to lie. My inspiration has run dry. Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel. Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel. Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor. Youre a little late, Im already torn.

you wish i will sing this over you? too bad, not a chance.

yes you are late. but im not torn.

current song: torn-natalie imbruglia
current mood: thoughtful.

sapphire and faded jeans.

2007-09-13T00:22:00.000-07:00

Three little birds sat on my window and they told me i don't need to worry. Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet. Little girls double-dutch on the concrete. Maybe sometimes we've got it wrong but it's alright. The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. Oh don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on. Tell me your favourite song. You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, i hope you get your dreams. Just go ahead, let your hair down. You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely. Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside (just relax, just relax) . Don't you let those other boys fool you. Got to love that afro hair do. Maybe sometimes we feel afraid but it's alright. The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change. Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song. You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, i hope you get your dreams. Just go ahead, let your hair down. You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake. Some nights kept me awake, i thought that i was stronger. When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer? Do what you want to.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song. You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, i hope you get your dreams. Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Oh you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow
(put your records on-C.B.R)

-just like they said; you'll find your feet :)

not myself

2007-09-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

Suppose i said, i am on my best behavior. And there are times, i lose my worried mind.
Would you want me when im not myself? Wait it out while i am someone else?

Suppose i said, colors change for no good reason. And words will go from poetry to prose
Would you want me when im not myself? Wait it out while i am someone else?
And i, in time, will come around. I always do for you

Suppose i said, youre my saving grace
Would you want me when im not myself? Wait it out while im someone else?
Would you want me when im not myself? Wait it out while im someone else?

current song: not myself-john mayer
current mood: thoughtful; surrendering

it rained.

2007-09-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

why all things should matter if you already have it all? a pastor once said, we only can start to love our lives when we can start to be grateful with what we have.
that is what im struggling with. to be grateful with the things that i haven't noticed i had before; to be grateful for those experiences, mistakes, memories, and those people around me.
especially to forgive those people who hurt you, who back stabbed you, who fake-laughing and fake smiling at you and knowing that they are your close friends. well at least, that's what you think.

but then again, that's life. it is not something good to enjoy, it is not easy and it is very much a struggle. and for that reason, i finally found my firm foundation. and that is where i am now.
i thank Him for that. for every reason He has, in order to get me here, i am so grateful. i have no idea whats going on now. i have no idea whats going on tomorrow.
there were so many things happened lately. i have so many things to worry about today right here right now at this moment. i whined about it. i cried about it. i cursed everyone and everything. i even gave up.

but the time has come, when it rained on me. so hard. so powerful. and it left me breathless. rejoiced. and fully-satisfied. it rained on me.

it is now i realize that i have a journey to walk onto; its not an easy one. it is a journey where i have to decide where my destination is, who to go with, and what are the things that i want to bring along in the journey.

again, im clueless. i need someone to bring the lights to me. i need someone to go with along the way; to walk, to run or to hold hands with.
cos i know theres gonna be dark times; the time when i fall, the time when im too tired of walking, too tired of wandering around and the time when i lost my direction again.
thats when i need the lights. need the presence. need the drink for my thirst. when i need a hand to hold onto.

ive got to be ready, for the time has come. when everything is ready for me. where everything is just beautiful. where everything is just at the right place, the right time; then i will realize that i've found the right person. it is when everything is just perfect they way they are.

and this is where i wanna be. here. only here. when its raining down. so hard.
its getting me ready. and im so ready. and im so ready to be found.

i carry your heart with me

2007-08-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart
i am never without it, anywherei go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet;
i want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant;
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart

ee cummings

more than treasure.

2007-08-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

here are those that the everlast admire about :

the lighter - the oldest among the group, the master, the most cheerful one, the one who always give brilliant ideas, the most understanding one, the loudest, the one who always always believe on the power of believing, the one that is always close, the one that stays close, the fearless, the push-overer but also a push-overable, the straight foward, the understanding one, the wild one, the undoubtful one, the eager one, the demander, the one to turn to, the one to rely on, the craziest shopper, the one to turn to, the best.

the cocktail glass - the petite, the second loudest, the sweetest, the unbelievably unbelievable, the hard worker, the heart of gold, the active, the talkative, the lovingly lovely, the smartest, the positive thinker, the best advisor, the undeniably best listener, the self keeper, the glue, the greatest thinker, the selfless one, the forgiving, the faithful, the most caring, the calming, the fun one, the pure kindest, the believer, the giver, the wisest, the on track one, the weak and the strong, the romantic one, the most organized, the best.

the piano - the hottest, the careless, the unjudgemental, the calmest, the listener, the quietest, the unbelieably uncaring, yet the caring one, the nonfaker, the longest known, the undefitable tomboy, the gamer, the egoistic, the most understanding, the wierdest, the one of a kind, the "i do what i want" one, the undiscribalby undiscribeable, the honest one, the other wild one, the other fearless, the every languange translator, the other survivor, the shoulder, the dependable, the secret keeper, the laziest, the best.

the guitar - the youngest, the student, the still in process one, the great artist, the loved by everyone, the reciever, the "kasiaaaan", the unbelievably strong one, the cry-less, the brave one, the quick learner, the good listener, the lighter look a like, the brilliant, the learner, the spoil one, the spoilt one, the asking type, the one of a kind story teller, the good questioner, the dreamer, the sexy legs, the best.

the lighter, the cocktail glass, the piano, the guitar - the ones that the everlast will love for ever and ever, the most important, the most amazing thing, the reason to smile, the reason to give thanks, the enjoyably enjoyable, the comfort, the security, the more than treasure.

the everlast-ing.. us.

(adopted fr. the everlast)

women are from venus, men are from hell.

2007-07-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

i cant remember how or where i got that title from. but just so you know, i'm not condemning, not being judgemental to all guys (well, not at all). sorry but in fact, i have to say its true. to every man who reads this, say what you wanna say, argue whatever you can to deny that. TV movies songs radio Internet, well, the whole world tell us that. we're not being judgemental. well, even if we are, we have tried so hard no to be, yet it still happens.

one thing that brought me to this topic is the so-called-MANJAMEL foundation (ci, who made the name? sounds a bit corny hehe) has posted the article on one of the members' blog few days ago, as the result of the so-called-maneater issues happening around. in relation, to share a bit about what has happened or *is currently happening, there are this group of young adults (in the average of 18-26) which is happened to incidentally have almost the SAME drama as the famous TV shows, namely "One Tree Hill" and "The O.C." and oh, plus "The Hills" too. you know those typical drama story when a groups of girls and guys have mingled around since they were young (or at least for few years), they share most of their time together day and night, days by days, years through years; well, in short, they happen to have a circle relationship (i wont define this in details! you, readers, should figure it out yourselves!), which is keep going on and i can say, there is almost no way to stop it. some of them have gone through it and are okay with it whereas somebody else still deals with it and tries hard not to have it again. but well, its undeniable. they all brought up in the same place, went to the same schools, in the same circle of friends, hang around with the same crowd, the exact same places (blame it to the governors, businessmen, investors for being incompetent, not creative, and careless to build new places! -sorry, that's kinda out of topic. hehe-), plus, some of their parents also know each other.

anyway, my point is that circle relationship is not always bad. depends on how you see it and get used to the fact that it might bring you to the situation where you have to see your ex(s) is(are) seeing one of your friends. depends on how deep you would go for it. especially with the fact that guys could be heartless and so much careless about our feeling, just dont dig too deep if you dont want to get yourself buried in the hole. it is just about you being ready with the drama. well, i hope that this thing wont continue to the next level (if you know what i mean). i've had it enough with the 'real' One Tree Hill, The O.C., or The Hills. i dont want to watch another wisteria lane drama. especially, be involved in it.

*sigh
drama. drama. drama. people are never too tired for that.

perfection is imperfect.

2007-06-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

we are perfectly imperfect.

i'm sure we all know that we dont deserve any kind of perfection even tough we all want to be perfect and try so damn hard to be perfect. but in fact, the more we want to be perfect, the more we will suffer. in my opinion, there's no such things as perfection. the thoughts of perfection might have slipped through our mind, but its just from the head to the mouth; it doesnt mean that we have achieved it. taking actions toward perfection is good, but lets leave the pressure behind.

most times, we are entirely sure that we are doing the right thing. we think we already have enough time to run everything. one important thing is that timing is everything. we can do the right thing anytime. but it will be a lot better if we do it on the right time as well. as a suggestion, never use to many maybes. make up your mind. for that reason, we should be really careful with what we're asking for cos we might not be able to take it back. sometimes we feel so confident (even over-confident) in what we're doing,that often times, we hardly think of what or who we get ourselves into. until we can be sure enough to figure out whats behind it, im sure that is the right time to start our walk. as for myself, i still find it so hard to be skeptical in everything im involved into. yes, it is not easy to face the fact that not all people will like what you are doing, not all people will be happy for our accomplishment, or even to sense that they are all fake-smiling when they congratulate you. people are mean. (well, we are mean, too). its a sad truth. but the great truth is that we should put on our expectation, our own boundaries, our border lines, considering that we can surely look deeply through it. high expectation is indeed to be set aside.

the bottom line is to do what our heart says. our conscience is always there to tell you when to stop or keep going on. you just have to pay more attention to that voice in your heart, not in your head. (my point is to be aware with what we heard as we are easily influenced or even corrupted by it). cos most times, the voice in our head is the voice of ego, which often poison our mind with the things we think we want and strive to achieve it, sometimes without considering any consequences.

try to do the things we've loved to do. dont think too much abt people's judgement. they're not your judges! the heck of those people. they dont know you. most of them are all posers. they think they can go through everything you've been through if they were you. in fact, most times they wont be able to do so. but as im writing this for someone, im sure she knows that i dont mean to judge all those posers. (argh! i just wrote POSERS-which is the sign that i've judge them. haha. but anyway, its totally normal cos i am a poser too. in fact, we are all posers and big liars, aren't we?). we cant even accept our wrongs and try so hard to prove that we're not. *look down in shame

so anyway, my point is to take your time to discover yourself through the people around you and the things you've been through. look, search, seek deeper and harder, and try to be more skeptical and sensitive to the things around us by being critical with people, issues, and our conscience, as a good way to improve ourselves. then, we can gradually discover ourselves throughout the process.
*the more we want it fast, the less we got the benefit.

i'm so thankful to one of my friend (and my other friends) that has inspired me so much with her (their) experiences. it helps me a lot as i discover a lot of myself through her (them). Love you!
*smiling blissfully

*we are all drama queens. agree?

amanda natalia.

dearest home.

2007-06-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

i miss home. so bad. what i can think of at this moment is only home. it brings me to those memories when everything was just as simple as it could be, like nothing really serious will affect your life. i miss thinking and worrying about nonsense things like i did back then in high school. it was so deadly funny when i read back my high school journal few days ago. i found out that i did think and wrote nonsense about what i feared of. well, its funny cos most of them didnt actually happen. yes, i did think too much. in fact, i still do. it has to stop. i know.

i just deleted a long paragraph of this blog cos i wrote about crappy things. i shouldnt. i really really feel like writing nonstop but i know that i will definitely write about emo stuff which again, i shouldnt. Haahhh *take a deep breath, i need a break. seriously. but this is not a good time, i know. finals coming soon and im tired of the fact that i have to go through that rough days and crappy sleepless nights again. *sigh

actually this is the perfect time to say "i wish things could be different". *sigh -again! but yeah, i wish so too. as i was listening to Starring at the sun by Rooster and Dare you to move by Switchfoot when i was writing this, it came to my mind that whining will not help me to go through this. as Jon Foreman sings, "i dare you to move, i dare you to live yourself up off the floor", i feel so relieved.

and just for info, these songs have a great lyrics and "The Beautiful Letdown" album is really great. i love Jon Foreman (Switchfoot vocalist); he said "Eventually everything fails me, but when I look at the sunset or the sky, I'm reminded what it's like to be alive. My friends, there is a big difference between the way this world should be and the way it is." it wakes me up as i read it. i've lost my inspiration in life. i want it back.

i want my inspiration back.
(i sigh too many times)

summer 07

2007-06-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

.this is beaver.

what a week!

my dear dear friends came to KL and spent the whole week here. *the best week! as a matter of fact, that was our dream few years back, and it just happened!

it was tiring but the best summer ever! the morning the afternoon the evening seemed never end, but well, reality wakes me up. as i open my eyes the morning after they left, theres no more squeezed sleep, loaded room, and snoring people. and now, here i am with my boring daily activities. i miss that week; i miss the gossip, the peptalk, the make-over, the movie, the shopping, the clubbing, the dance, the drinks, the karaoke, and those guys. i wish they could stay longer. cos we havent found that perfect-asian face guy yet (my Jacob and jan's andrew). haha *estel, jan, mei, i know u guys are smiling now. =)

i wanna thank estel, jane, mei, and medi for the in credible time together. i had so much fun! and for the beaver too! i know u guys got it by accident. haha. well, i am terribly sorry for the poor little turtle which wasnt chosen. hehe. but i love my beaver. thx guys!
cant wait to go back to medan. i miss my hometown, mamipapi, my one and only gank =), my friends, my church, my school, my court, the fabulous food ever! cant wait!

thanks, guys for making this summer so much memorable to me. i would never forget this summer. ehm, or maybe i could! if we spend our summer together again every year! =)

cant wait!

2007-06-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

Been away for quite some time. busy with assignments, meetings, parents, shopping, and lots and lots and lots of thoughts. i guess i think too much. which i regret sometimes.

anyway, my parents are here. yay! for two weeks. how i miss them! they promised me to come here since Chi's new year, and finally they're here. and that means shopping time is coming! hehe. today is their 9th day here, and i got quite a lot of new stuff. hehe.

*It's us-the petite girls, two members missing!

WOHOO!!! guess what?? june 6th is coming!! yay!! =D happy happy happy! i'm gonna meet janice in 3 days! *all excited!! you cant imagine how much i miss her. and the next day, june 7th, estel and madeline are coming as well. oh, what a week! i'm gonna have so so much fun! =)

Oh you dont know how much i miss them. i miss our times. i miss doing nothing with them. i miss our movie-marathon time. i miss our swimming time. i miss out 'soto yose rizal' time. and our 'merdeka walk' time. i miss watching basketball games with them. i miss screaming super-loud when watching the guys in the court. i miss the sleepovers. i miss the peptalk time. i miss the singing-superloud-in-the-car time. i miss crying and whining to them. i miss having boring times with them-- cos its never boring! i miss hanging out with them all day long. again, all day long! hehe.

well, cant wait to see them! have lots and lots and lots of stuff to do with them.

happy happy happy happy happy happy happy!

when i go down

2007-05-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

i'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this. so from my thoughts i will exclude.
the very thing that i hate more than everything is the way i'm powerless to dictate my own mood.

i've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. and i just pray, my problems go away if they're ignored. but thats not the way it works. no thats not the way it works.

when i go down, i go down hard. and i take everything i've learned and teach myself some disregard. when i go down, it hurts to hit the bottom. and of the things that got me here, i think, if only i had fought them.

if and when i can clear myself of this clouded mind. i'll watch myself settle down. into a place where peace can search me out and find that i'm so ready to be found.

i've thrown a way the hope i had in friendships. i've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. i've thrown away the secret to find an end to this. and i just pray, my problems go away if they're ignored. but thats not the way it works. no thats not the way it works.

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands. while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimends me. then and there i confess. i'll blame all this on my selfishness. yet you love me. and that consumes me. and i'll stand up again and do so willingly.
you give me hope, and hope it gives me life. you touched my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light. as i exhale i hear your voice. and i answer you, though i hardly make a noise. and from my lips the words i choose to say, seem pathetic, but its a fallen man's praise. because i love you. yes, God i love you. and life is now worth living, if only because of you.

when i go down, i lift my eyes to you. i wont look very far, cause you'll be there with open arms to lift me up again. to lift me up again.

Relient K.

*that would describe all =)

Why ladies today are still single!

2007-05-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Top reasons why ladies today are still SINGLE:

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nicemen, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, some what nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, and have some money, and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! [OMG]

hahaha

a simple thing that counts

2007-04-20T08:47:00.001-07:00

hi everyone,
this is my first blog. i dont really know what to write now but i'll try. since i have lots of dilemmas and major headache lately (i blame you -u know who!haha), plus someone says its fun. so why dont i just start one?

i am amanda natalia. just an ordinary 18 year-old girl from a small but lovable town in Indonesia-Medan, currently living in KL -big, busy and hectic town. its fun for the 1st month but as time goes by, i have to admit that it wasnt easy for me, and as well as other people i guess. but life should go on, right? i notice that sometimes we just dont dare to move on and try new things and be at the new places with new challenges with the fact that we're already too comfortable with what and where we are. we cant choose to be with the people we love all the time, right? again, its all about choices. Life is too short to not live for something bigger, right?

well, life's been great! thank God for that. =)

one thing that my very best friend-janice said to me,
"Life doesnt consist of having good cards, but playing those you have well. hold on tight."

its so right, jane! im so grateful that you know me so well! =)

anyway, its so late now. will catch up with this later ok?
gotta go sleep and get ready to scream out for Good Charlotte tomorrow =D

adios
amanda