You're my star

I would never wake up every morning without expecting my sister to be just a few feet away. The typical sisters situation, we've always been compared everywhere we are. And I used to care a lot about that. But now, things changed. We are changed. I realized she loves me too much to even bother about how different we are. I'm always the reckless one. The rebellious one. The selfish one. The careless one. The loud one but the weak one. The emotional one. The lazy one, perhaps. But she's different. She's the quiet one but the strong one as well. The play-safe one and the wise one. And I trust her judgment more than anyone, even in the family.

One thing that im grateful for in my whole life, is about how much she has sacrificed living together with me. Like, waking up a lot earlier just to make sure I have my breakfast, doing my chores, making tea or coffee or whatever when we stay up late at night, cooking my two-meals, even fasting for my needs. I can list out more than you can imagine.

Today's her 23rd birthday. Probably the last birthday we can celebrate together before I fly off; and she's not even home. Ugh. What would I do without her? I'm too scared to think about it.
Cie, if you're reading this, from the bottom of my heart, you really deserve all the goodness in life and God's favor will always be upon you. Thank you for loving me endlessly. I love you too.

Cheers.
your sis.

"...but you can't allow your fears to turn you into an asshole".

Here's what Carter wrote to Sarah in "In the Land of Women":

Dear Sarah,

I've been trying to write this letter for a while. The kind you said you'd never received. The kind I've been working on my whole life. I remember being 13 years old, sitting in my room all night, listening to the same song over and over. I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, maybe I could make someone love me. I've taken a lot for granted. I never tried too hard. I've always avoided responsibility. I came here because I was running away. I wanted to be alive. Instead, I met you. I met you, and you weren't taking anything for granted. I hope you got all the moments you deserve. I hope you go back to New York and sit in the Met in the room with the paintings of the Hudson River. And I hope when you do, you take Lucy with you because I know she would love it.
I'm sorry if I've made your life more complicated. I'm sorry for a lot of things but most of all, I'm sorry I never got the chance to tell you no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you.

----

The kind of friendship I'd love to have. The kind of letter I would want to get. The kind of ending I would want to have. And I will have it, someday in the future.

*Watch "In the Land of Women". It's not bad.

Well, cheers to 2009.

Happy New Year!

7 things

Im finally here again :)

Just a quick update.
1. Asia conference in Singapore was fantastic. It was so powerful and impactful and im truly truly blessed. and so are the rest of the 26,000 people, i suppose. God is so generous and so is City Harvest Singapore. Thank You :)

2. Birthday in Singapore was awesome. Apart from birthday celebration by some cell members, Ps. Phil Pringle and Dr. A.R. Bernard gave me the best birthday preaching ever. LOL. but yea, it was allllllllll good. God knows the right time :)
and Oh, Don Moen was awesomeeeeee :)

3. Birthday in Malaysia was awesome too. Thanks to Tim and friends for celebrating with me. Had great food, great bday cake and great fun laughing all night. I love it and i love it :) Thanksss :)

4. Arise and Build 2008
Here comes the life-changing opportunity to sow for God's house. Last year, i pledged 4-figures. I was blessed with great jobs and great experiences. I was well-taken care of and i still am. God is my provider. This time, faith needs to be stretched again. I pledge 5 times bigger than last year. I have no friggin idea how to fulfill it. But i serve a big God and i dont want to miss a chance to sow for God's house. He'll make a way, i know. And, another great testimony is on its way :) God is good.

5. Counselling
yea, i've been going for counseling this past month. Ask me why. LOL

6. Prom
Josh Tan wants me to sing with him and the band (Wen, Julian and some others) for Taman Sea prom on Dec 12. The plans are to sing 3 songs. 'In the Sun' by Joseph Arthur, 'Kiss Me' by SNTR and im not sure about the 3rd one. Hm, what a priviledge. After few years away from the stage and singing in a band, now i have the chance again. Not gonna blow it :)

7. U.S.
I'm going on March for Spring intake :)


blessed one,
amanda.natalia

listening to: After Glow by INXS

Psalm 48

Nothing's greater than knowing this.

You are the God of this city
You are the King of this people
You are the Lord of this nation, You are

You are the light in this darkness
You are the hope to the hopeless
You are the peace to the restless, You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city 

Yeah. There is no one like my God.
Psalm 48:14 "For this is God, Our God forever and ever."

*Playing: God of This City by Chris Tomlin

deep inside of you

Here's a blast from the past.

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen cos I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
Cos I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind

flashbacks

Ps. Mike Connell, a pastor from a church in New Zealand came to my church last month. He shared about 'passing through a valley of sorrow'. What i can still strongly remember is when he shared about his past relationship. His wife broke up with him in a restaurant when they were dating. When he was in the same restaurant years later, he suddenly felt uncomfortable with the athmosphere. Soon enough he realized that it was the violin player playing this paricular melody that brought him to the feeling back then when his wife broke up with him.

Same thing is happenning to me. I went to my CD rack this afternoon, was looking for some old mixed CDs from some friends and loved ones. LOL. I played the one i got from a special someone in the past. Gosh. Suddenly my heart was pounding. I felt 'that' again.

Do you get that feeling? I do. Very often. What Ps. Mike has to say about this is that i havent really moved on with my past, particularly that song and the memory in it. Man, i thought i moved on already. It was couple years ago. All these while and i havent moved on?!

What do i do?

what do you do?

*playing: Marching Band of Manhattan by Death Cab for Cutie

is there more?

Jon Foreman said this," Eventually everything fails me, but when I look at the sunset or the sky, I'm reminded what it's like to be alive. My friends, there is a big difference between the way this world should be and the way it is."

I posted this quote. It was June last year. Feels like its just yesterday. I still hold the same feeling. Its been a year and somethings still missing. But where did it go? This feeling is irritating. and I irritate myself.

Im going back in few days. So very excited to meet Janice and to visit my grandma&grandpa(R.I.P). Feels like im going back to where i belong. I miss being home. I miss the good old days. I wanna travel back time. KL is too hectic. Too much stories. Too much drama. Too much freedom. Too much of everything. Im sick and tired. Speaking of, im gonna leave for US pretty soon. How much more drama can i take? How much more freedom is given? How much more temptations will there be? HOW MUCH MORE?!

Ugh. I wanna live a simple life. I complicate things. I complicate my life.

Anyway, i feel like spilling off everything about me. I know you could careless about it but just an update. I'm just gonna be frank. I had this silly crush not long ago. He's younger. Mature enough for his age, i thought. Guess i was wrong. Cos guys never grow up; they grow old. And i'm pretty sure about that. To be honest, it was a nice feeling. After a long while, i had THAT feeling again. Oh how i miss it. The hype, catching-breath and holding-back-moments. But it didnt last long. I was waaayy to excited about the feeling, not the reality. I like the fact that he is one of the nice guy that still exist today but it was just a wrong feeling at the wrong time. So yeah, to some of you that know about my feeling to that guy, its now over. Its just another crush.

Ssshhh. Sometimes i think to myself, why cant i love people in return? What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant i appreciate love?

I feel like im stepping backwards. Push me forward please.
Ugh. Three posts in a night. Emo-ing? Maybe.

This ugly feeling. Take it away.