Psalm 48

Nothing's greater than knowing this.

You are the God of this city
You are the King of this people
You are the Lord of this nation, You are

You are the light in this darkness
You are the hope to the hopeless
You are the peace to the restless, You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city 

Yeah. There is no one like my God.
Psalm 48:14 "For this is God, Our God forever and ever."

*Playing: God of This City by Chris Tomlin

deep inside of you

Here's a blast from the past.

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen cos I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
Cos I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind

flashbacks

Ps. Mike Connell, a pastor from a church in New Zealand came to my church last month. He shared about 'passing through a valley of sorrow'. What i can still strongly remember is when he shared about his past relationship. His wife broke up with him in a restaurant when they were dating. When he was in the same restaurant years later, he suddenly felt uncomfortable with the athmosphere. Soon enough he realized that it was the violin player playing this paricular melody that brought him to the feeling back then when his wife broke up with him.

Same thing is happenning to me. I went to my CD rack this afternoon, was looking for some old mixed CDs from some friends and loved ones. LOL. I played the one i got from a special someone in the past. Gosh. Suddenly my heart was pounding. I felt 'that' again.

Do you get that feeling? I do. Very often. What Ps. Mike has to say about this is that i havent really moved on with my past, particularly that song and the memory in it. Man, i thought i moved on already. It was couple years ago. All these while and i havent moved on?!

What do i do?

what do you do?

*playing: Marching Band of Manhattan by Death Cab for Cutie

is there more?

Jon Foreman said this," Eventually everything fails me, but when I look at the sunset or the sky, I'm reminded what it's like to be alive. My friends, there is a big difference between the way this world should be and the way it is."

I posted this quote. It was June last year. Feels like its just yesterday. I still hold the same feeling. Its been a year and somethings still missing. But where did it go? This feeling is irritating. and I irritate myself.

Im going back in few days. So very excited to meet Janice and to visit my grandma&grandpa(R.I.P). Feels like im going back to where i belong. I miss being home. I miss the good old days. I wanna travel back time. KL is too hectic. Too much stories. Too much drama. Too much freedom. Too much of everything. Im sick and tired. Speaking of, im gonna leave for US pretty soon. How much more drama can i take? How much more freedom is given? How much more temptations will there be? HOW MUCH MORE?!

Ugh. I wanna live a simple life. I complicate things. I complicate my life.

Anyway, i feel like spilling off everything about me. I know you could careless about it but just an update. I'm just gonna be frank. I had this silly crush not long ago. He's younger. Mature enough for his age, i thought. Guess i was wrong. Cos guys never grow up; they grow old. And i'm pretty sure about that. To be honest, it was a nice feeling. After a long while, i had THAT feeling again. Oh how i miss it. The hype, catching-breath and holding-back-moments. But it didnt last long. I was waaayy to excited about the feeling, not the reality. I like the fact that he is one of the nice guy that still exist today but it was just a wrong feeling at the wrong time. So yeah, to some of you that know about my feeling to that guy, its now over. Its just another crush.

Ssshhh. Sometimes i think to myself, why cant i love people in return? What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant i appreciate love?

I feel like im stepping backwards. Push me forward please.
Ugh. Three posts in a night. Emo-ing? Maybe.

This ugly feeling. Take it away.

Crush.

Ish. I'm goin emo. Liking Crush by David Archuleta.
It brings me to those memories. Crush. When it ain't going away.

Good old days. I miss you.

Badly :(

its been a while

It's been a while.
I have to warmly welcome coffee, eyepads, and sleepless nights again. I welcome Freud and Rogers too. Be friendly to me, please? Sigh. I can't really say goodbye to them, can I?

anyway,
God, thank You for everything. But i need answers; not just signs.

How do i know its you?
amanda.nat

*playing: Angels by Augustana

my 911

So i was on my way to Centre Point for group meeting yesterday afternoon. As usual, i took the train to KL Sentral, then i took bus from there. I was q-ing at the bus stop. I was with my headphones on and reading a book.

But there was one white guy who caught my attention. He's in his late 20 or probably early 30. What caught my attention was that he was talking to one Indian lady in malay. So i thought, "Hmm, interesting." Then i went back to my book again. Not long after, that guy came to me and asked me where i was going. I told him i was going to One Utama, then he asked for my name. I didnt know what to say so i told him my name and we shook hands. -_-" shucks. I regretted it. He started to ask things about me like what im studying, who im staying with and if i have a boyfriend. I told him yes. LOL. I thought he'd just go away. I was wrong. He continued talking i-dont-know-what cos i wasnt paying attention at all.

Anyway, the bus came and he went in first. After he got his ticket, he waited for me and told me he wanted to sit and talk. I was like WTH?!! I was damn scared. But i ignored him and went to sit on a twin seat beside a lady. *phew, sighed in relief, until i realized i did tell him that i was going to one utama. OMG! What if he decides to follow me? (FYI, I was being followed many times before so i was not overreacting okay. LOL).

Well, first thing that came to my head, PRAY! Yes, thats all i can think of. Then, i think again, if he really follows me, who should i call? Really. If something happens, who can i call for help? I had a long thoughts that day. I totally dont know who to call for an SOS; for an emergency.

sigh. I dont know. How?

-amanda.nat

i so hate consequences

And I'm good, good, good to go :I got to get away : Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights : The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life : Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all my alibis desert me : I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me : I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that :
Because I just want for all of this to end

And i so hate consequences: And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences : God, don't make me face up to this
And i so hate consequences : And running from you is what my defense is :
Cause i know that i let you down : and i don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back : And when you spelled it out, well, i guess i didn't get that : And every trace of momentum is gone : And this isn't turning out the way i want

And after all my alibis desert me : I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me : I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that :
Because I just want for all of this to end

And i spent all last night : Tearing down : Every stoplight : And stop sign in this town
Now i think there might : Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite : the fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted : I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger : And I know i cant go on like this much longer

When i got tired of running from you : I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave And in my heart i so believed
The love you felt for me was mine The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the door was closed : I heard no i told you so's
I said the words i knew you knew : Oh God, Oh God i needed you
God all this time i needed you, i needed you

*Written and performed by Relient K (Album: Mmhmm)


Thanks, Relient K. You said it all.

i so hate consequences.
amanda.nat

"Like the sunflower, we have season"

So does CF. Thank You Jesus, for people who showed up in prayer meeting. Meeting after meeting, i feel like Your presence is getting stronger. Truly, it's really worth the wait, that now You have made everything perfect in its time. I see You in the heart of these people. Bless their heart, O God. As young as we are, our days are numbered. Teach us to always come back to Your plan, to what we are made for :)

Anyway, i screwed up my 303 (Counseling Theories) paper. Its been a while that i havent felt this terrible. Oh well, nothing i can do to change the fact. I learn my mistakes and i should move on and do better. Sorry God, i didnt give my best and i took it for granted. I will do better for the next ones.

One thing that sticks in my head these few days:

Kindness is one thing that you cant give away.

It always comes back. -Zig Ziglar

Goodbye, apathy.

amanda.natalia

it's just a moment of change

It's been a while since my last update. I mean, the real update. Well, this is one important thing that i learn lately in this season of my life.

We don't need more to be thankful for.

We need to be more thankful.

It slapped me on the face the first time i read that. How on earth i can stand listening to myself whining? Oh well, i just need to be more thankful from now on. So here goes my 'thank you' list (recent events):

1. Daddy up there

Thanks for keeping my family and i saved in Your hands; for sending great people into my life; for sending me on this field, where i can sow my seeds and reap them when the time comes. I know my life is worth living just because i realize i have You in my life. I love You and I wanna enjoy walking with You all the days of my life :)

2. Jeremy Lim

For always being there; for always listening; for always praying. And for always asking me "Are you ok?" That works well. Haha. Thanks to you. I found a genuine friendship in you and i learn so much from you. You're awesome :)

3. Timothy Wong

For being a great friend; for not always saying the nice things. I may not accept it sometimes but i understand the fact that you do care. About the things you said the other day, come to think of it, you're quite true. I can do so much better than that. So yea, i'm over it by the time you read this. hehe. Anyway, thanks for just being who you are. Thanks for trusting me. May God bless this friendship til the end :)

4. Adeline Tan & family

For being so supportive and ever-ready to help me moving to Oregon. I think you guys are more excited than my family is. Haha. But really, uncle, auntie, Addie, I'm truly blessed :)

And for some reason, i have to say sorry to some people like:

1. My dad

For not being patient, loving and not forgiving at times; for not being thankful and understanding of your situation. I love you, daddy. and Jesus loves you even more :)

2. Zion Ng

Haha. It was a funny story to tell. Anyway, really sorry for the total confusion. For the 3 days of the most chaotic moment in your life that almost cost your life, presentation and your emotional being. haha. Well, there's more to life than just that issues. I'm sure you know that. Ask God for direction. He'll be happy to help you. The most important thing is in Matthew 6:33. You're still very young. Life is too short to not live for something bigger, zion :)

Oh, and thanks for keep reminding me to smile. Its a good habit.

Erm, that's all for now, i think. Tell you more at the next post.

adios.

amanda.natalia

hello again

welcome back, amanda.

Learn your lesson. You know you can do it. You've done it. You've seen people went thru it. You have encouraged people to do it. You can do it, amanda. Yes, you can. its just a feeling. it will go away. just chase the butterfly away.

far away.